We Too Often Help in the Wrong Way
When people are feeling emotional pain, they want help. But they don’t want
to feel like they are a problem that needs to be solved — that they are person
who needs to be fixed.
Too often:
- We try to fix them. “You are simply feeling that way because …”
- We lecture them, like they are children. “You simply have to …” “You should …”
- We dismiss their feelings. “It’ll be better tomorrow.” “Other people have it worse.” “Don’t feel that way …”
- We try to pacify them. “Yeah, that must be terrible. Yep. Yeah. I see. That’s tough.”
- We dismiss them altogether. We do most of the talking, so we don’t have to listen to them.
Here is the Best Way
When a person is feeling strong emotional pain, they know deep down that there
is no quick fix to their situation. They might be feeling guilty — and inadequate
that they can’t simply solve their problem on their own. They are usually feeling
very much alone.
We can best help the person by:
- Being totally present for them.
- Listening closely to them.
- Accepting them — not judging them.
- Being compassionate and understanding.
- Helping to empower them — to taking some small realistic action about their situation, not matter how small.
Often, rather than continued advice, it’s best to do what many therapists do
instead. They respectfully and tactfully ask thoughtful questions to help the
person to explore their own thinking – their perceptions, assumptions and conclusions.
See this
Quick Reference for a Helpful Conversation
Also see
The Most Powerful Way to Help Someone through Emotional Pain 5 Powerful Ways to Help Someone in Emotional Pain 5 Action Steps for Helping Someone in Emotional Pain How to Support People in Emotional Pain 5 Ways To Help Someone Who Is Emotionally Suffering 5 Powerful Ways to Help Someone in Emotional Pain How To Respond Compassionately To Someone’s Suffering 5 Simple Ways to Help Someone in Emotional Pain How to Sit With Someone Else’s Pain
How to Help With COVID-19 Pandemic
Centers
for Disease Control Stress and Coping
Emotional Well-Being During COVID-19 Outbreak Mental Health and COVID-19 How to Avoid Passing Anxiety On to Your Kids Care for Your Coronavirus Anxiety
Tools and Information On Anxiety Social Support: Getting and Staying Connected Disaster Stress Hotline Quick Reference For a Helpful Conversation
Support Your Friends, Start Support Groups
The following website provides guidelines and free resources to share support
among a small group of friends. It also can help you to start support groups
as an ongoing service to others.